Barry Loser is the best at football NOT! Read online

  First published in Great Britain 2018

  by Egmont UK Ltd, The Yellow Building,

  1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

  Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2018

  The moral rights of Jim Smith have been asserted.

  First e-book edition 2018

  ISBN 978 1 4502 8714 2

  Ebook ISBN 978 1 7803 1803 5

  barryloser.com

  www.egmont.co.uk

  A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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  Contents

  Cover

  Front series promotional page

  Copyright

  Title Page

  Ronaldio Donaldio

  What is Avocado Hill?

  Picking the team

  Coach Loser

  Operation Pain au Chocolat

  Crying Freakoids

  No banana

  Mogden Maniacs

  Queenie down

  Queenie’s drawer

  Home time

  Loser family laptop

  Smoogle

  Coach Loser’s nursery for Crying Freakoids

  Plurgle Flurgle

  Mogden School Tuck Shop

  Saying goodbye

  Oo-ooh

  Saturday school

  Number one skills

  Team building

  Revenge of the squirrel

  Swoosh!

  Staff room

  Group hug

  The tiny little tuck shop

  Dinner dames only

  Millions & billions of teapots

  Sleeping bollard

  Nose brushing

  Plunk!

  Bouncy castle bum

  What now?

  Avocado Hill Stadium

  The big game

  Barry the Maniac

  About the author and drawer

  Some of my good reviews:

  Back series promotional page

  Ever since the World Cup started, everyone in school has been comperleeterly into football.

  Like the other Saturday when my best friend Bunky was playing keepy uppy in Mogden Park.

  ‘A hundred and seventy seven, a hundred and seventy eight, a hundred and seventy nine . . .’ he counted, showing off how many times he could do it.

  ‘Pull the other one, Bunkoid,’ burped Darren Darrenofski, slurping on a can of World Cup flavour Fronkle. ‘Even Ronaldio Donaldio can’t do it that many times!’

  Ronaldio Donaldio is the keelest footballer in the whole wide world amen. He plays for the Smeldovian football team, who everyone reckons are going to win the World Cup easily.

  ‘Ronaldio Donaldio?’ sniggled Nancy, looking up from the book she was reading. ‘That’s the stupidest name I’ve ever heard!’

  Sharonella leaned her head on Nancy’s shoulder like she was a parrot. ‘Oh my days Nance,’ she squawked. ‘You trying to tell me you’ve never heard of Ronaldio Donaldio?’

  Nancy shrugged. ‘I’m just not that into football,’ she said.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re missing, babes!’ said Sharonella, whipping a football card out of her pocket.

  Gordon Smugly sidled up with his sort-of-servant, Stuart Shmendrix. ‘Ronaldio Donaldio?’ he said. ‘Yeah, he’s alright I spose.’

  ‘Think you’re pretty good then, do you?’ said a voice from behind us, and I turned round.

  Standing in front of me were five really tall, smug-looking kids wearing shiny green football kits. On the front of their T-shirts were the words ‘Green Giants’.

  Darren crumpled an empty Fronkle can in one hand and kicked it towards a bin. It flew straight over and donked a squirrel off a branch.

  ‘Who are you lot when you’re at home?’ barked Darren as the squirrel limped off.

  ‘We’re the Green Giants,’ said the kid at the front whose blonde hair was combed so neatly it looked like Nancy’s open book. He pointed at his T-shirt. ‘Can’t you Mogden losers read?’

  Stuart Shmendrix pointed at Nancy. ‘We can read,’ he said. ‘Look, she’s reading right now.’

  ‘Whatever,’ said the kid next to the blonde one. ‘Come on Tarquin, let’s get out of here - it stinks!’

  ‘That’s cos of Mogden Sewage Works?’ said Sharonella, as if that was a good thing. ‘The smell blows over this way when the wind’s going in the right direction?’

  ‘Delightful,’ chuckled Tarquin. ‘Of course, we don’t have that problem up in Avocado Hill.’

  Avocado Hill is the posh little village that sits on top of a slope overlooking Mogden Town.

  Tarquin dropped the ball he was holding and kicked it back up with his foot, ducking to catch it on the back of his neck, then flicking his head to make it bounce into his hands again.

  ‘Pretty impressive,’ said Nancy. ‘And I don’t even like football.’

  Tarquin turned to Bunky. ‘I was watching you keepy uppying,’ he said. ‘Not bad for a Mogdener.’

  ‘Fanks!’ grinned Bunky, who thinks he’s the best at football out of all of us, probably cos he is.

  ‘Tell you what,’ said Tarquin. ‘We’ve got a little stadium up in Avo Hill - nothing fancy, just a few hundred seats. You lot fancy a game next Saturday, after the World Cup final?’

  Bunky looked at the ball in Tarquin’s hands and gulped. ‘Oh, er . . . I’m busy then,’ he said.

  ‘Me too,’ squawked Sharonella. ‘I’m going to the, um . . . toilet.’

  ‘With me!’ burped Darren, putting his hand up in the air.

  Gordon pulled his phone out of his pocket. ‘Do you know what,’ he said, tapping the screen. ‘I’m fully booked for the next three weeks.’

  ‘He’s my boss,’ said Stuart, pointing at Smugly. ‘So looks like I’ll be tied up as well.’

  I looked round at my friends. ‘How come I didn’t know about all these plans?’ I said.

  Tarquin peered down at me. ‘You’re a funny little specimen, aren’t you?’ he chuckled.

  ‘What’s that sposed to mean?’ I asked.

  The kid next to Tarquin rolled his eyes. ‘Your pals are making excuses,’ he explained. ‘They’re just afraid to play the Green Giants.’

  You know when you’re the last person to work something out and it makes you feel all stupid, so you say something cocky to make yourself look keel?

  ‘We’ll see you on Saturday,’ I said, twizzling round to face the Green Giants. ‘And we’re gonna smash you avocados into a paste!’

  The Green Giants wandered off and Bunky glared at me. ‘What in the name of unkeelness was that all about?’ he cried.

  ‘What are you afraid of, Bunky?’ I said, pretending it was no big deal. ‘I thought you were the best footballer in Mogden School!’

  ‘I spose that IS true,’ said Bunky.

  ‘But we don’t even have a team,’ warbled Stuart.

  ‘Well then,’ I said, still trying to make up for looking like a loser three minutes earlier
. ‘We’d better make one!’

  Bunky stroked the bit of his face where his beard’ll be when he’s older. ‘Hmm, let me see,’ he said. ‘I’d be up front, of keelse. Darren, you can go in midfield. Shazza and Stuart in defence and Gordon in goal.’

  ‘Wait a millisecond,’ I said. ‘What about me and Nancy?’

  ‘Leave me out of this,’ said Nancy, not even looking up from her book.

  ‘You don’t want to play do you, Barry?’ asked Bunky.

  Darren cracked open another Fronkle. ‘Yeah Loser,’ he said. ‘You’re rubbish at football!’

  ‘No I’m not!’ I said, even though it was true. I scratched my head, and my brain wriggled inside its skull, immedikeely coming up with one of its amazekeel ideas.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I cried. ‘I can be your football coach!’

  ‘You have got to be kidding,’ laughed Gordon.

  Darren took a slurp of Fronkle. ‘Forgeddaboudit, Loser,’ he belched.

  ‘Oh PLEEEASE,’ I said, immedikeely losing my keelness and dropping to my knees. ‘Don’t leave me on the sidelines with nobody to talk to!’

  Nancy looked up from her book. ‘Ahem?’ she ahemed.

  ‘No offence, Nance,’ I said, peering up at Bunky. ‘What d’you reckon, Captain?’ I smiled, calling him that so he’d go along with my plan.

  Bunky ruffled my hair like I was his son. ‘It’s a nice idea, Baz, but you don’t actukeely know anything about football, do you?’

  ‘That fact might be ever-so-slighterly true,’ I said, getting up off my knees. ‘But I’m pretty good at bossing people about!’

  ‘And you think that’s all it takes to be a coach?’ said Gordon.

  ‘Oui,’ I said, showing off I could say ‘yes’ in French, because I’ve been learning it in school.

  Sharonella’s nose crinkled up. ‘Urgh, we don’t need to hear about your toilet habits, Barry!’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, Losoid,’ said Darren. ‘Nice idea about the team, but I don’t think we’ll be needing your services, okay?’

  ‘Right that’s it,’ I said, stomping my foot and preparing to activate Operation Pain au Chocolat. ‘I didn’t want to do this, but it looks like I’m gonna have to.’

  I rotated myself on the spot like a tray of pain au chocolats in a bakery shop window and walked away from my ex-friends.

  I was putting on a fake limp to make them feel extra sorry for me.

  ‘Oh don’t be like that, Barry!’ called Bunky.

  ‘No you’re right,’ I mumbled over my shoulder. ‘What do you lot need a useless old Loser like me for?’

  ‘Just let him go, Bunky,’ said Gordon Smugly, who’s always trying to steal my best friend off me and probably thought this was the perfect time to put his evil plan into action.

  I spotted a piece of gravel lying on the floor and wondered if I should fake a trip over it to really get them feeling bad.

  ‘I’ll be alright,’ I mumbled. ‘Don’t you worry about Barry Loser, he’ll get over it in a couple of weeks or so.’

  I carried limping off for a couple of milliseconds until I heard Sharonella’s mouth opening.

  ‘“Coach Loser”,’ she said, trying the name out for size. ‘I suppose it has got a tiny bit of a ring to it . . .’

  I chuckled to myself. ‘The old Pain-au-Choc trick never fails,’ I muttered, widening my earholes by 0.3 millimetres each, trying to hear if anyone was nodding their head to what Shaz just said.

  But heads nodding aren’t as easy to hear as mouths opening.

  I carried on facing away from my friends. ‘What do you reckon, Bunk?’ I croaked, shortening Bunky’s name to show Gordon Smugly how much of his best friend I was. ‘How about doing an old pal a favour?’

  Everything went quiet for a billisecond.

  ‘Oh alright,’ sighed Bunky, as his bum started to cry.

  ‘Hey, you alright, little fella?’ said Bunky, pulling a Crying Freakoid out of his pocket.

  Crying Freakoids are the latest craze at school - apart from football, of keelse. They’re these tiny football-shaped toys which sort of act like pets you have to look after.

  They’re the size of a gobstopper with batteries inside and a mini speaker on the back. On the front are little screens with faces on them that show what mood the ball’s in.

  Whenever one starts to cry or act unhappy at all, the owner has to work out if it’s hungry or needs the toilet or wants a little cuddle to make it feel better.

  ‘Hey that’s a point, better check in with Barry Junior,’ I said, pulling my Crying Freakoid out of my pocket.

  I held Barry Junior up and looked at his face. His eyes were scrunched shut and his mouth was grimacing.

  ‘Argh, I think that means he needs a poo!’ I cried.

  ‘You’d better wipe his bum then, Baz,’ said Shaz, pulling her Crying Freakoid out of her pocket.

  I scraped my finger along the bottom of my Crying Freakoid, which is what you’re supposed to do when they need the toilet. Barry Junior did a happy beep and his grimace turned into a smile.

  ‘I don’t know what you lot see in those things,’ said Nancy. ‘Looks like a lot of hard work to me.’

  ‘Oh it is,’ said Stuart, all seriously.

  Stuart’s Crying Freakoid is called Stuey No Legs. It was sitting in the palm of his hand doing a sad face, which meant he’d have to sing to it to make it happy.

  ‘It’s really rewarding once you get used to it though,’ he sang, and Stuey No Legs did a grin.

  ‘Stuart’s right, I can’t imagine not having my Mini Shaz,’ said Sharonella, giving hers a peck. ‘And they grow up so fast, don’t they!’

  Bunky, whose Crying Freakoid is called Bunky Two, nodded. ‘Life’s never the same once you’ve had one of these little critters,’ he sniggled. He patted Bunky Two on the head and it immedikeely stopped crying.

  ‘Uh-oh, looks like somebody’s hungry,’ said Gordon, pointing at his Freakoid. Its mouth was wide open, digital drool dripping out of it.

  He poked his finger at the mouth bit, which is what you do when one of them needs feeding. ‘There, that’s better isn’t it, Lil Gordy?’ he cooed.

  ‘Ugh, I can’t take any more of this,’ said Nancy, slamming her book shut. ‘I think I’ll go and find something more interesting to do.’

  ‘It’s your life, Verkenwerken!’ shouted Darren as she wandered off, and he whipped Dazzy Rascal out of his pocket. Its eyes were closed and it purred quietly.

  ‘Ooh you are lucky Daz,’ whispered Shazza. ‘Wish my one’d sleep through like that.’

  ‘It was a different story last night Shaz,’ yawned Darren. ‘I was up with him every two hours.’

  ‘Worth it though, innit,’ I said, sounding like my mum when she talks to her mum-friends about my baby brother Desmond.

  The sun was going down and my nose twitched, sniffing the smell of my dinner wafting over from my house, mixed in with the stench of Mogden Sewers.

  ‘I’ll see you lot bright and early Monday morning,’ I said, plopping Barry Junior in my pocket. ‘If we’re gonna beat those Green Giants we’ve got a lot of work to do!’

  Suddenkeely it was Monday morning and we were all standing in the playground at school.

  ‘First things first,’ I said, clapping my hands together. ‘We need a team name.’

  ‘Ooh you should be good at this Bazzy,’ said Shaz. ‘You’re always coming up with stupid names for stuff !’

  ‘Thank you Sharonella,’ I said, thinking back on all the amazekeel names I’ve come up with since I’ve been alive, including for my nine hamsters, all of which are now comperleeterly dead.

  ‘How about The Darrens?’ said Darren, and I scoffed.

  ‘Nice try, Darrenofski,’ I said. ‘But no banana.’

  ‘Gordon’s Giants?’ said Gordon, and Shazza shook her head.

  ‘That sounds exackerly like Green Giants,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, expect it’s Gordon’s instead of Green,’ snapped Gordon.
/>   ‘Guys, guys, guys,’ I said in my Coach Loser voice, which is just my normal, regular voice. ‘Let’s try and support each other’s ideas, shall we?’

  Bunky scratched his no-beard.

  ‘The Mogden Maniacs?’ he said, and I clicked my fingers.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I cried. ‘The Mogden Maniacs.’

  ‘That’s what I said,’ muttered Bunky.

  ‘Is it?’ I said. ‘Well shall we just go with my idea instead?’

  Bunky squinted, his tiny little brain getting all confused. ‘Erm, o-kay . . .’ he said. ‘We should probably get on with some practice anyway.’

  ‘Good point, Captain,’ I said. ‘Everybody drop and give me a hundred.’

  ‘A hundred what?’ asked Stuart.

  ‘Press-ups, of keelse,’ I grinned.

  ‘Why don’t you give ME a hundred press-ups?’ said Darren, as Bunky got on the ground and started pumping his arms up and down.

  ‘Good boy, Captain!’ I smiled, wondering if I was overdoing the whole Captain thing a bit.

  ‘One, two, three . . .’ he panted, his face going red.

  Sharonella joined in. ‘That’s the spirit, Shaz!’ I boomed. ‘Shmendrix, Smugly - don’t hold back. You too, Darrenofski!’

  Stuart and his sort-of boss dropped to their knees next to Shazza. ‘One, two . . .’ gasped Gordon. ‘I’m doing this for the TEAM . . . three, four . . . not for YOU, Loser!’

  ‘That’s COACH Loser to you,’ I said.

  ‘If you say that one more time . . .’ said Darren, not finishing his sentence.

  ‘Right, that’s a hundred more press-ups for you, Darrenofski,’ I shouted. ‘What are you, a Maniac or a mouse?’